It was three thirty in the morning, less than a week away from the election. Everybody on the 4chan message board was pissed, and a lot of them were pissed at me. Earlier that evening Wikileaks had released a new batch of John Podesta’s emails and dozens of young men on 4chan were sifting through them. I was one of the jerks sitting on the sidelines telling them that what they had found wasn’t good enough to be the most popular hashtag on twitter, the top post on Reddit, and the trending meme on Facebook. It wasn’t that we couldn’t do any of those things; in any given hour we could make a picture of a golf ball the top post on Reddit, the 10th largest web site on the Internet. And it wasn’t that they weren’t finding important material. They were finding horrific, incriminating stuff; that was why they were so mad at us. Now everyone involved was a veteran of these late night sessions, and normally we had our process down to a science. But it was different this time. We barely had a full news cycle before the election; we needed something easily digestible. I was about to give up hope when they found it, man did they find it – Spirit Cooking. And that is when the folks on 4chan went from being pissed at each other to being enraged at each other.

 

Over the next 50 years we are going to see countless poly-sci grad students write their dissertations on this election and I am sure plenty of them will write about 4chan. Most of them won’t have a clue what they are talking about. Now, I’m one of them poorly educated Trump voters and I don’t know nuffin bout no dissertation. But I do know what happened that night and I know that the entire 4chan ecosystem (which had been working tirelessly throughout the entire election season) was firing on all cylinders those last days of the campaign.

 

4chan is just a small web site. They have a tiny fraction of Reddit’s user base. But 4chan generates a huge amount of the content on Reddit. They make the memes, GIFs and YouTube videos that go viral across the internet. I guarantee you that your Grandmother has seen their work on her Facebook feed more than once. Sounds like a magical place right?

 

Do Not, I repeat, Do Not Go To 4chan.

First of all there is absolutely no reason for you to go to 4chan. 4chan is the most obtuse place on the Internet and its interface is impossible to use. You will not be able to make heads or tails of 4chan. Furthermore, if you are stupid enough to post there you will be insulted in ways you never imagined possible. I don’t care how calm and collected you are, if the Dali Lama himself posted on 4chan they would have him in a fit of rage within five minutes. And God help you if you try to insult them back. 4chan will hack every social media account you have, they will hack your phone, they will hack your PC, they will find the most embarrassing thing you were ever dumb enough to put in digital form and they will send it to your boss and your mom. Only then will they call 911 and have the SWAT team kick down your door. I am not exaggerating in the slightest; you will end up looking down the barrel of a cop’s assault rifle. Don’t believe me? Google “swatting”. Normies should never ever ever go to 4chan. You have been warned.

 

 

The common wisdom is that Reddit is full of stupid people trying to sound smart and 4chan is full of smart people trying to sound stupid. But according to 4chan, everyone on 4chan is a 400 pound autistic virgin who lives in their parents’ basement, or autist for short. I’m serious. They wear autism as a badge of honor. It takes an autist to sort through thousands of leaked emails. I am not an autist. I am a normie newf** poser but I had been given a special pass to post there. You could say that I was one of the select ambassadors from Reddit to 4chan (a few of the writers and editors here at Boredom & Gomorrah were) but my presence was only tolerated because I was fighting in the trenches for Trump. Even with that special status I had to walk a tightrope and I was always one small misstep away from getting SWATted.

 

Anyway, as I was saying there is an entire 4chan ecosystem. The autists on 4chan are the folks who generate spicy political memes and viral hashtags. Reddit, and specifically The_Donald subreddit, is responsible for promoting those memes and hashtags and getting them to go viral. The_Donald has a 300,000 strong army of deplorable trolls that can be deployed at a moments notice to Facebook, Twitter or anywhere necessary, even the real world. In short, The_Donald is able to set the narrative across social media. My role in the ecosystem, as an ambassador from The_Donald to 4chan, is to stay up all night monitoring the autists as they cook up their spicy stew. When they are finished I work with the other Reddit ambassadors to plan how to market and distribute the daily memes. That way, when the 300,000 deplorables log in to The_Donald in the morning they have their marching orders. Us ambassadors spend the sunrise hour priming twitter, getting the day’s hashtag out to the Milo’s of the world so that they can spread it far and wide. If Hannity is discussing our talking point on his show that night we have done our job well. That is the 4chan ecosystem. Before Morning Joe comes on at 6am 4chan has already dictated what social media is going to be talking about.

 

Now normally this early morning hand off from 4chan to The_Donald goes off without a hitch. Sometimes there are disagreements about what hashtag to use but those issues are easily solved with meme magic. Let me explain. In a past column I wrote about the AIDS Skrillex meme. AIDS Skrillex was developed in one of these late night 4chan sessions and was handed off to The_Donald for distribution. As usual it was wildly successful. But at 3am we had to decide what name to give this Social Justice Warrior buffoon that we decided to make infamous. There is only one way to name a meme. Every post on 4chan has an ID number associated with it. Special significance is given to posts who’s ID number ends in double numbers (dubs) and triple numbers (trips). So when an important decision like this has to be made everyone posts their ideas and the first post that ends with triple numbers is what they go with. This is called rolling trips and the ancient Egyptian frog god Kek insures that the best idea gets chosen.

 

 

Like I said 4chan is the most obtuse place on the internet and Kek is such a convoluted rabbit hole of a subject that we can’t get in to it here. Just understand that forced memes, like John Oliver’s attempt to give Trump the Drumph nickname, always fail. A group of highly paid comedy writers and the entire weight of a media conglomerate can not force a meme to go viral simply because they don’t have meme magic. To use meme magic autists have to gather at the witching hour, under the protection of Kek, and follow the rituals set down in time immemorial. That is only way to make a meme go viral. (I wasn’t joking when I said that 4chan is no place for normies.)

 

Well back to that fateful night in question, everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Hour after hour the autists had been uncovering an absolutely horrifying conspiracy of child trafficking at the highest levels of government, what we now call Pizza Gate. The problem was that it was just a frayed tapestry of diverse threads that had to be woven together in to a coherent whole. It wasn’t easily digestible. There was no smoking gun, just a conspiracy theory. And we didn’t have time to explain it to people before the election.

 

Spirit Cooking on the other hand couldn’t have been easier to convey. It was nothing but images. Disturbing, degenerate images easily tied to Hillary Clinton. I mean, it involved Lady Gaga and Jay-Z; this thing had legs like we had never seen before. It was the perfect last minute kill shot. But the autists didn’t see it that way and that was what caused the meltdown.

 

You have to understand what a truly terrible night it was. For hours we had all been watching as the mounting evidence of child sex abuse coming out of the Podesta emails piled up. Everyone was upset and in a rage. The legacy media is trying its best to portray Pizza Gate as white nationalist Internet trolls witch hunting Democrats for laughs. Well let me correct the record. The only comments you read all night long were – “This can’t be right.” “There must be an explanation for this that we aren’t seeing.” “Please God don’t let this be true” For me it was when I saw the art that Podesta’s brother had hanging in his bedroom; I wept for the first time in over a decade. Honestly it was one of the darkest nights of my adult life. There was more than one atheist that night who became convinced that objective evil exists in the world and came to Jesus as a result.

 

During the final hours of this putrid night our band of comrades started to turn on each other. It was heartbreaking to watch. The divide wasn’t strictly along Reddit vs 4chan lines but that was generally the case. I think the real divide was along generational lines. Due to anonymity I can’t say for sure, but the Reddit normies I know who were there that night are all GenXers like myself, and the 4chan autists I know are all millennials in their late teens and early 20s. The issue was that the younger guys, while geniuses when it comes to the Internet, lack a certain understanding of what life is like for normal people in the swing states. Plus these autists are the most hardened internet trolls in the world. No one is more desensitized than these guys. They collect the most disturbing images possible for laughs. They could not wrap their heads around the idea that anyone would care about about some stupid hipster performance art piece. Us older guys understood that the church folk in the swing states were going to care.

 

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In the autists defense, they had just spent six hours combing through a child sex ring. They were in a hyper-emotional state and absolutely furious that we weren’t going to get the word out as quick as possible. Let that sink in. The hardest, most desensitized internet trolls in the world were so upset by what they saw in Pizza Gate that they didn’t know what to do with themselves. Some of them were begging God for it not to be true. Don’t you think that maybe you should make an informed decision for yourself about Pizza Gate before you accept the legacy media’s narrative?

 

Now obviously us Reddit normies were in a very uncomfortable position. On the best of days no one ever says “No” to 4chan, not if they know what is good for them. Yet here we were with all of 4chan triggered as f*** and screaming for our heads. But the Reddit ambassadors had to do what we had to do, and at the end of the day we were the ones who controlled the means of distribution. We made the call to go with #SpiritCooking and not #PizzaGate. After what was truly a dark night of the soul for all involved the sun finally decided to rise, which meant it was go time for me. So I downed 20 mg of Rittilan with a double espresso and got to work.

The first thing to do was to to get #SpiritCooking in front of as many influential eyes on twitter as possible. If I recall correctly, by 7am #SpiritCooking was the top trending hash tag and it would stay in the top spot for two days until Twitter deleted it. Next thing was to get on The_Donald, not just to up-vote the SpiritCooking posts but also to make sure the comments sections were lively and engaging for all the folks laying in bed with their cell phones just waking up. “Get your a** out of bed Deplorable and call in sick to work; we need everyone in the trenches fighting their hearts out today!” By 8:30 am a SpirtCooking meme was the top post on Reddit and one SpiritCooking meme or another would dominate that spot until the election.

 

After everyone was awake and active on The_Donald it was time to turn my attention to my area of specialization, Catholics in Michigan. I was raised catholic and my mom’s side of the family is from the Detroit area; Grandpa was a Ford man his entire career. I spent a lot of time in Michigan and I understand the people there. Weeks earlier the DNC email leaks had produced a conversation between a number of party leaders making fun of Catholics. When that came out I spent days tracking down Catholic community message boards and Facebook pages in Michigan and I had kept up my involvement on those sites in the weeks since. I was ready.

 

Around 11 am a call came for church contact information and I contributed what I had. I took a break from my Michigan Catholics around 2 pm when the master contact list for churches in swing states was sent out. The next hour and a half was spent working my way through it. Those poor pastors; they were probably used to getting 100 emails a day and then over the course of an afternoon they had 100,000 pictures of satanic rituals in their inbox.

 

I took a bit of a break after I got through the list. Turned Fox News on in the background to see if they were going to cover us and I jumped on YouTube. Of course the top viewed video was on SpiritCooking. Next up was to see what SpiritCooking turned up on a google search. Lots of news stories from the little guys but none of the big legacy newspapers were covering it yet. I was running out of steam but I kept chatting with my Michigan Catholics, watching Fox out of the corner of my eye and refreshing my Google search every few minutes. At the very end of the Fox News show “The Five” it happened; they mentioned SpiritCooking. Then at 7:30 pm we achieved victory. The Washington Post ran a story debunking SpiritCooking. I called up a few friends to relive the day’s battles and victories before crashing out for a well-deserved night’s sleep. While all of this was going on a parallel effort was taking place with the Latino community in Florida and the Western swing states, but that was happening in Spanish so I don’t have any insight in to it.

 

By Sunday morning the fliers had been printed up and godly folk across the swing states walked out of church to find pictures of satanic rituals under their windshield wipers. On their drive home they saw those same pictures on posters along the side of the road. In the history of US politics there has never been a more ruthlessly effective grassroots political organization and 4chan pulled off the dirtiest, most vicious November Surprise ever. Look at the Black, Catholic and Latino turnout in the swing states on the day of the election compared to early voting. 4Chan won the election for Donald Trump.

 

I know there are some autists who were in the trenches that night who are going to read this and tell me that I’m full of it (well they are going hurl insults that run so far afoul of Boredom & Gomorrah’s editorial guidelines that there is no coming back, but you get the drift). They are going to say that I’m exaggerating and not telling it like it was, etc. etc. All I can say to you glorious deplorables is that it was an honor s***-posting with you and when my grandchildren ask me what I did in The Great Meme War of 2016 this is the story I’m going to tell. Make of that what you will.

 

Praise Kek!